Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Public Speaking Tips
Some people are naturally gifted public speakers. Me, for instance. Put me in front of a room full of strangers, and I'll just talk and talk and talk. About anything, really---the weather, Masonic conspiracies, which animals people look like, how sweaty I'm getting. I will literally never stop to take a breath or vomit into my mouth. That’s my level of comfort around crowds.
But, I understand that not everybody is as gifted at public speaking. Some people---if you can imagine---get nervous in front of large groups whom they rightly assume are judging their every word.
For those pathetic dumps, here are a few helpful tips for speaking in front of an audience:
- When looking out at the crowd, picture everyone in their underwear. This will deflate the tension. Unless the underwear is really sexy.
- Control your breathing. Try to breathe once for every four heartbeats, which you’ll probably feel pulsating inside in your head.
- Pick out one person in the audience, and imagine you are speaking to only him or her. Just don't say her name at the end of every sentence, especially if she’s your ex-wife.
- Carefully go over your list of talking points beforehand. You did remember to make annotated flashcards, right? RIGHT?!
- Plant your feet. Feel grounded. Don’t lock your knees, or you’ll pass out. But, don’t think too much about not locking your knees, or you will also pass out.
- Mark your speech with predetermined pauses. For swallowing and burps and whatnot.
- Remember: You’re the one holding the gun. That gives you all the power.
- Have a bottle of water handy in case of cottonmouth. Cheap gin works too.
- If one the hostages acts up, make an example of him right away. One heckler (or hysterical crier) can throw off the entire pace of a robbery.